Browsing CategoryThe Terrible Musings of The Mulk

One Mom’s Experience of Trying To Having a Hot Meal

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Agent Spitback for THE TELEGAFF Image : Pixabay/Pexels A very over-tired, sleep deprived, wine and gin drinking, 34 year old middle class Mother of 3 children, Anthea Jones made a startling discovery while waiting for her 6 year old at his school pick up, when she stumbled upon Jessica Biel’s #showereats challenge. “Jessica had posted a picture of a running shower, an empty plate of what was supposedly chicken apple sausage and a cup of espresso in the shower and she basically said she eats in the shower. It was as if a light bulb had gone off in my…

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8 Sure Fire Ways to Get Your Toddler To Sleep

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DAILY TELEGAFF – The first thing to go missing in your life, right after having a baby, other than normal lady sized panties, car keys and insanity, would be sleep. Yes, that’s right, folks. SLEEP. For those who cannot remember what that means, the dictionary defines it as “the natural periodic suspension of consciousness during which the powers of the body are restored.” (Merriam Webster) In lay-mum terms, it means a state when you actually get to close your eyes and dream sweetly of drinking hot tea, eating chocolate biscuits without gaining any weight and dancing the hot salsa with…

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The Mom Worry Switch

Awesome kid

To the Department in Charge of the Mom Worry Switch, I am writing to thank you, albeit a few years late, for installing the MOM WORRY switch T2000, which I actually never ordered, when I first became pregnant. It was a nice surprise, waking up one morning, after the previous night’s huge cry fest frenzy of warm congratulations from friends and family when we announced that I was pregnant, that you had installed the latest T2000 Mom Worry Switch in me, without prior warning. “How nice,” I thought, “I am not entirely sure what this Switch is exactly for and…

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Why YOU need a No BS Mom Friend

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You know the friend your husband warned you not to bring home because she drinks all his expensive wines? The friend the P&C is trying to ban from their meetings because she never reads the notices and will donate store bought donuts in defiance at every fundraiser? The one rated PG-13 potty-mouthed straight shooter from the womb, who never minces her words and orders you straight up like a whisky neat. She tells you point blank that she would rather poke her eyes out the than attend another play date, watching kids play Minecraft for the millionth time. The one…

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Mother Takes Legal Action Against “Breast Is Best” Claims as Child Turns Out to be Weird as Any Other Kid

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**This is SATIRE** The Tele-Gaffe – 38 year old Cecelia Wards has taken legal action against “ONLY Breast Is Best” Foundation for inflating maternal expectations after breastfeeding her child for almost a year and she found out that he was just as weird as any other kid at the playground. According to the lawsuit, after she had given birth, a member of the Foundation had visited her and had given her a pamphlet entitled “Why ONLY Breast is Best” and then visited her the very next day to invite her to attend a breastfeeding workshop, where she was told she could…

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To The Child Who Will Not Sleep

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To the child who will not sleep, In the black stillness of midnight, You are still awake even though I have long turned out the light, I say to you like I do every night, “Please, honey, please try to go to sleep. You don’t need to be an asshole to make Mommy weep!” There was so much bloody whining, and our daily “I am not sleepy” fight, And that stupid bedtime story, 1000 times which you made me read tonight. I hear the tears in my own voice, “Please, honey, just tonight, go the bloody hell to sleep. I…

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Excuse me, But Where’s My Mommy Halo?

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To the Person in charge of giving out Mommy Halos, Excuse me, but where’s my Mommy Halo? I am not sure if it was an honest mistake that you missed me out when you were giving out the Mommy Halos? You know the Halo I pre pre ordered when I found out I was pregnant with my first child? Gold plated, self-illuminating, limited edition, monogrammed with pre-paid postage? The one, which would instantly flip my base human desires and make me “good”, almost saintly, in fact. The Halo which would magical turn off my selfish desires, my mother trucking swearing…

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Why Older Moms make the most awesome Mom friends

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**This is RATED “Don’t Read if you can’t take the swearing BUT it is about what’s the most important SHIT in life”. You know you’re the older mom when you have been at school longer than some of the Mothers have been moms. You catch yourself saying things like, “Back in the day, I used to actually slap the forehead of my baby to see if he had a fever. Never had this fancy schmancy ear thingamajig.” You then recount days of counting fetal kicks, of dropping milk on the underneath of your wrist to check if the bottle was…

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Who Put a 14 year old In Charge of My Children?

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I looked at the Mt Everest  pile of never ending washing. One basket, full of dirty clothes, two baskets full of clean clothes waiting to be folded and one that was still going on in the washing machine. I have come to the conclusion that there are three things in life that are certain : death, taxes and washing. There is always washing to be done.  Sometimes you don’t know when one cycle starts and the other ends, everything becomes a blur unto itself, just like your life. When did one load become two? When did one decision become another? When…

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The Impeachment of the Perfect Mother for Book Week Fraud

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Once a year, in cities all over Australia, parents are forced to step up and participate in a strange but most fearsome Parenting competition ever, called the Book Week Dress Up Parade. In the most grueling parenting competition ever, they are expected to compete against each other with aluminum foil, toilet roll and cardboard to dress their children up as the best recognized Book characters in the annual parade competition. The stakes increase every year and the current expectation is that the whole outfit is to be made from scratch and still be a worthy of a Jenny Beavan design…

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