Once upon a time, in a home not far from yours, in a charming suburb called “Bullshit”, there lived a beautifully perfect Mother who had the most perfect child, in the most perfectly cleaned and vacuumed home, living the most perfect life of 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, 2 hours exercise and self grooming which includes armpit waxing and hair plucking, 6 hours of expert child rearing and flash cards/hot housing, 4 hours of housework, 3 hours of running a business empire from home and an hour of unbridled sex.
What was most perfect of all in her perfectly decorated little home was a beautiful golden gilted Magical mirror which hung proudly in her walk in wardrobe which was as big as your pathetic bedroom.
This morning, like every morning, right after doing her Sun Salutation Yoga Pose, the Perfect Mother, whom we will name Adina, looked at her Magical Mirror and smiled.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the most Perfect Mother of all?” she asked, in her Perfect voice, in her Perfect Yoga outfit with ironed panties, while her Perfect child lay sleeping in his cot for the past ten hours straight.
Even the rumbles of the moving truck and the yelling of the people and screams of the children moving in next door did not wake her child up.
The mirror fogged slightly and the face of Penneth Whatnow appeared and it said in a light lilt, – “You are, of course, lovely Adina, the most Perfect Mother of ALL!”
With a big self congratulatory smile and a self pat on her firm ass, she walked out to a wholesome healthy breakfast which filled her up and did not give her any sugar or coffee cravings at all.
She then managed to deep clean her whole house, cook a wholesome lunch, and even, gasp, fold laundry and put them away. She felt inspired today, so she decided to iron some of hubby’s perfectly bleached white underwear.
“Hee..hee” She heard her perfect child coo and giggle as he usually did when he woke up.
He did not fight or squirm but sat quietly and offered his bum to his Mother to wipe and clean. He did not scream for his milk but waited and then suckled contentedly. He did not throw up, he did not spit up, he did not burp impolitely. He gave a perfect little “Urp” in A minor and smiled.
She then dressed him perfectly in a matching outfit, picked up the baby bag which she had packed the night before, then plopped him into his car seat without fuss and he pleasantly coo-ed all the way to Local Mother’s Morning Coffee, sixty minutes even before it started. She then took the time to duck into the shops and finish all her groceries and was there to warmly welcome the rest of her Morning Coffee Group, a Group she calmly ruled as Her Royal Highness, Queen Mother of All Things Mothering since she had given birth.
She queened it at Morning Coffee as usual, everyone bowing their heads in deference as she spoke about all the food she was going to cook by growing, and then grinding, pounding, from scratch, the clothes she was going to sew by hand and the baby poo that was going to be reused in her garden as fertilizer.
Sigh, all was well, in her little Kingdom as she looked down on her grovelling subjects.
When Adina went home, her child went to sleep on his own for his usual three hour nap while Adina could vacuum, clean, do her laundry and prepare a gourmet 6 course meal for her partner. She even had time to have a shower and put on high heels and lipstick, which she usually did, anyway.
It was just another Perfect Day in her Perfect life, being the Perfect Mother. As she laid her head to sleep on her duck feather pillow, she dreamt of her standing on a stage, in front of a podium, giving a lecture to a massive audience on “How parents should not use their children as a convenient excuse to be lazy and dirty”.
But like all good fairy tales, something shitty was about to happen and change everything.
The next morning, the sun peeped through and awoke Adina so gently. She yawned lazily and wondered in anticipation and excitement of the laundry, cooking and cleaning she had planned for the day, just like what a GOOD wife and mother would always do.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most Perfect Mother of all?” she asked, a little more smug, as she knew what the answer would be, like it would always been since she gave birth.
“Why, you are, your most Perfect Calzone Highness, Perfect on most days but today, it is Diana, who is a thousand more times more Perfect!”
“Why thank…bwah what?” Adina stopped herself as she realised the, “Di…? Di…a-what…?”
She was so visibly upset that she could not even say the name.
Di-a—-what? There was only one person! It must be the new Mother who had just moved in, NEXT DOOR to her. That MUST be her, with her SEVEN children.
“AHHHH!!!!” Adina screamed out loud in frustration. There could only be one course of action. She had to get rid of her!
That morning, she met her Morning Coffee Mummy Girls in and started sharing what she has seen from her window that “Di-a-what” left food under the couch, did not moisturise her baby three times a day, as recommended by the Society for Perfect Mothers, and gasp gasp, she drank a little cooking red wine while she was cooking and breastfeeding! Her older children actually drank orange juice CORDIAL, not the 100% freshly squeezed kind, AND they also watched 2 and half hours of Television, 2 and half hours over Adina’s recommended use. And horror of all horrors, she never ever showered!
Pandemonium broke loose.
Like a moth to a flame, like women to rumours, it caught on and it soon spread like wildfire and the rumours soon degenerated into “Look at Di-a-what”.
“Look at Di-a-what” became an overnight Facebook sensation of “Look at Di-a-what – She bottle fed her baby”; “Look at Di-a-what’s her name – she enjoys going to work and leaving her baby to some random stranger named Grandma”.
After three days of burn, Di-a-what was no longer seen at the Supermarket, School or Playground.
Adina gave two fist pumps in the air with no jiggling bits. The next morning, she once again asked the Mirror that same question.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most Perfect Mother of all?” she asked very confidently this time.
“You, my Queen Adina, are Perfect, down to starched panties and polished Gold watch; it is true. But Diana, beyond your walls, With the Seven Children, Is Still a thousand times More perfect than you!”
Adina gave a screech of frustration and threw her mug of decaffeinated coffee down to the ground.
“NO!” Adina yelled and she then smiled. She had hatched the most evil plan.
She would ….drum roll…bake the most delicious apple cake for her as a “welcome” to Bullshit.
A poisoned apple cake, no less.
Adina marched and went next door and knocked on the door loudly, with a cake in one arm and her perfect baby in the other.
There was a scream from a baby and the harsh yelling of a woman as the door burst wide open by two very dirty looking children, still in PYJAMAS. Heavens, pyjamas and it was already 7.30am!
“Diana” was nothing like what Adina had expected from a Perfect Mum, more Perfect a thousand times than her, – peanut butter on the curtains, in her hair, on her tee-shirt, one baby on her hip, two around her ankles, another jumping on the sofa, another yelling and another trying to steal a cookie.
AND some of the children were actually eating Cereal, bowls of sugar Cereal, eating everywhere but at the table!
This? A Perfect Mother? In a home that had Legos all over the floor, and laundry heaped to the side! Adina snorted. She probably didn’t even separate her laundry.
“Hi?” The neighbour said quietly.
“Hi, I’m Adina and I live next door to you, this is my baby boy, Self Righteousness Judgemental Competitive I am Better than Thou, and your children….”
“Oh, this is Trust, Self Esteem, Confidence, Hope, Joy, Peace of Mind and my baby, Self-love.”
“I have baked you an Apple cake to welcome you and your little family.”
“Huh….that’s nice…I….” The neighbour was unsure of what she should say.
Adina ignored her and marched right in and started her what she could only describe as doing her sacred duty to dispense parenting advice before she killed her.
“Well, you MUST! Come on come on, oh dear, did Mummy give you some CEREAL? Oh no no heavens no, these sugary Cereal is so bad. Let’s turn off the TV, oh no no, I would NEVER let my baby watch any TV, EVER! That rots the brain, do you not subscribe to the Journal of Best Parenting? And a dummy…oh that’s a big NO for us. And if your child really feels secure with you picking him up all the time, you would not need any dummy! Oh my…and you feed your kids packaged food?…And you went where? Happy Meals? Oh no Self-Righteousness would never eat anything like that…”
When the neighbour looked like she was close to death as she was being whipped, Adina knew that the time was to strike now!
“Come on, let’s have some tea with this cake…it’s gluten free, organic and dairy, sugar, butter and egg free. It’s delicious. Oh, not to worry I’ll wash your “clean” cups again…look at that water stain…Oh, I’ll wash it…And I’ll wipe your bench for you as well…oh it’s no trouble, no trouble at all…Here TRY it while I wipe your baby’s face! Goodness…”
Adina shoved a piece of cake into her hands and watched her take a bite as she helped clean Self Love’s face who seemed to have more food crud than the local fastfood.
As the neighbour took a bite and swallowed, she collapsed to the ground, unconscious.
Her 7 children started clambering around her, first thinking it was a game! Baby started poking her eyes, children #1 and #2 took the opportunity to slide down the banisters, child #3 giving her a facial with Nutella, #4 used her as drawing paper, #5 started peeing on her and #6, we don’t even know where #6 went to at this point of the story.
Adina gave a huge whoop of delight! She’s done it! She rushed home with Self Righteous and went straight to her Mirror.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall, now pray tell, just who IS the Most Perfect Mother of all?” The confidence was evident in her voice.
“You, my Queen, you are the most Perfect of them all but there is still Diana, who is a 1000 times more Perfect than you.”
“But that can’t be! I just got rid of Diana!”
Maybe the magic didn’t work…maybe maybe she woke up. Adina stormed off and went back next door.
There on the floor she still lay, dead, surrounded by her seven children who have now died along with her, as that’s really how parenting truly works. Adina counted – there was #1 Trust, #2 Self Esteem, #3 Confidence, #4 Hope, #5 Joy, #6 Peace of Mind and #7 Self-love…all gone!
So what went wrong?
She was puzzled as she walked out of the doorway.
“I don’t understand…I did get rid of her!”
Coming up on the street was the husband who seemed anxious, he was yelling out, “Suzy! Suzy! Are you all right? You didn’t answer your mobile…SUZY!”
“Suzy?” Adina thought to herself “That was SUZY? Who the hell is Diana then?
All of a sudden, Adina burst out laughing. She knew what had happened.
She would return her Magic Mirror to The Old Ye Shoppe of Magic Mirrors tomorrow and demand a full refund.
Thank goodness, it was still under warranty as she had only bought it 2 weeks ago, as a present to herself for giving birth to the Perfect Child.
No, no, no, even better, she’ll use the refund and upgrade to the Ultra Mega Magic Mirror, guaranteed to last the whole lifetime of a child.
And even if there was a Diana, , thank goodness, poisoned apples were always in season.
She was determined to be, as she is and will always be the Most Perfect Mother in Bullshit.
Inspired by the Mother who has perfected the Art of Mothering after 2 weeks, Exactamundo!
Pop over to read LifeLoveandDirtyDishes’ brilliant post- To The New Mum Who Has Nailed It After Two Weeks And Thinks the Rest of Us are Lazy.
**Magic Mirror KILLS – STOP judging, STOP Comparing, STOP the Bullshit with humour, share this post!
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