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I admit it I panic whenever my tween children say anything remotely related to Sex.  Any mention about egg, mating, baby, birth gets me all anxious and sweaty and the MULK emerges. The Mulk will then go beserk and find the biggest chocolate and   shove into his mouth. That buys me five minutes and the shock of eating the forbidden treat is good for igniting amnesia in young children anyway.

I want my children to have a childhood, be a child for as long as possible. Remember when you found out about sex? I remembered how the whole world seemed different from that day on (of course, looking at your parents and knowing what they did to get you didn’t help too). All of a sudden, you were grown up. You magically crossed over and said your good byes to the concept of the Stork. The first time, I laid eyes on my first son, I vowed to fiercely protect his childhood for as long as I could.

But of course, life does not always co-operate with your best-laid plans. For example, graphic expletics from the graffiti on the school walls and benches, the neighbourhood playground and of course, from friends, even songs on the radio and YouTube and television.

The Mulk woke up when my 9 year old son came home asking me about “sex” as his NINE year old friends were talking about it in a very vague and convulated way. The “sex” was often mistaken with kissing and hugging but I was not ready to have the conversation with him, and honestly, neither was he. I was very upset as I knew the child and family  and wandered how on earth would this child had even the idea of “sex”.

Did he hear it from other children?

Did he watch it from the movies, youtube or TV?

Did he hear it from radio or adult conversations?

Like everything, the Mulk roared and decided to prolong the innocence of childhood for as long as she can. She was determined to not have the sex talk with her children, not to have the sex talk with your children or any children for as long as she can.

Here’s how the Mulk have avoided the sex talk so far:

  1.       When my son spots explicit graffiti on the slide, and asks about the meaning of the word. I say, “No honey, it’s LUCK! Or SUCK!”
  1.       When he asks about how babies are made, I read “Dumbo” to him. The Stork is such a wonderful creature.
  1.       I keep my kids away from all M or MA rated movies, songs or video games. Action, violence is fine, explainable, anything with a SEX theme is out of the question.
  1.       We listen to radio channels like the BBC and avoid certain radio channels like 92.9 or Hamish & Andy. Sometimes euphemisms are not euphemisms.
  1.       My kids are not allowed to go on YouTube or Google anything without supervision.
  1.       I frown on “simulated life” games like Animal Crossing because he is too young to have a squirrel for a girlfriend.
  1.       When he asks about how babies are made AGAIN, I give him a chocolate cookie. Chocolate always buys me time.
  1.       When at the zoo, I steer him away when the animals are mating, or tell him that they are playing leapfrog.
  1.       When he asks again about how babies are made AGAIN, I give him a chocolate ice cream, even if it’s just before dinner.
  1.       He does not watch any TV, after 7.30pm. No, make that any commercials after 7.30pm.
  1.       When he asks about the word “SEX”, I tell him it means “your gender? Like if you are MALE or FEMALE?” when filling up a form.
  1.       When he asks you how babies are MADE really!?, I give him a toy catalogue and tell him to go crazy for Christmas. That buys me six weeks at least.
  1.       The kids do not watch any documentaries or news about pregnancy or babies or sex, like “16 and pregnant”.
  1.        I tell him that the Red Bull commercial is really just about being able to fly.
  1.        We NEVER travel by Virgin Blue or use any product with the VIRGIN brand. We travelled to Adelaide on VIRGIN blue and were looking at the planes when my 7-year-old daughter asked me what does “Virgin” mean? I happened to busy with child no3 and did not hear her question. Then she says “Is it VERSION blue?” I smile and did not correct my daughter when she says “We’re flying by VERSION Blue.” Come on, Richard Branson, spare a thought for people like us who have kids who can read but are not ready for that talk yet.
  1.       All talk is censored and anything that is connected to  SEX is either coded or talked about in a foreign language.
  1.       He does not mix with children who know much more than him.
  1.       When he asks me again on how babies are REALLY REALLY made, I suddenly whip out that credit card and tell him that I am buying that $699 LEGO Death Star that he always wanted.
  1.       We always KEEP the bedroom door closed.
  1.        Last but most importantly, do NOT get pregnant! You do not want the “How did Daddy put the baby in you, Mommy?” question. Because having a SEX talk about you and your partner is whole other can of worms!

If all else fails, like me, I became pregnant when my son was 8, call your parents! It’s time they gave YOU the talk anyway.



© ELT 2015. All rights reserved


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