“Come on out!”

“I’m not! School’s not safe.”

“School IS SAFE!”

“It’s NOT!”

“Don’t be scared.”


“You are too!” said Sean.

“Killer looks, blank stares, gossip bombs, the strategies, the planning, the dodging…the female diseases, I might not survive at all,” I cried while locked in the laundry room, “It’s the MOST dangerous place in the world and you’re making US go there everyday!”

“The kids are fine. YOU’RE the one who is scared,” my husband said while I could hear him munching on something whatever that will not put a single gram on his manly frame but would have put 5kg on me instantly, just by looking, “So come on out. I don’t believe you have that MUCH laundry to do.”

“Well, we ALL should be!”

“Be what? Be doing laundry?”

“No, be scared.”

“Yeah, yeah, right. Sure, hon. Hey, can you cook bolognaise tonight?”

“Are you listening to me? I could be seriously hurt or the kids the next time round!” I yelled as I finally opened the door.

“Make it with spag or spirals…”

“HONEY!!!! It could be a monkey bar “accident” or a side killer look or pure ignorant insults…”

“No no I want spag,” my one of a kind husband actually laughed out loud, “And just show them that you are not afraid. Remember when Ethan was afraid of dogs and…”

“Well, we are not talking about dogs!”

“Aren’t we?”

“Mmmmm,” I hated it when he was right.

“Just show them you are not afraid,” he said and he pecked me on the head and went off to look for work.

Easy for him to say that. He was not the one who had to face the pack every morning.

It was my two kids who dragged a very unwilling mother to school that morning.


Agent Spitback has officially declared School as the most dangerous place in the whole Australia, nope, the Whole World. All right, I exaggerate, maybe second to the Amazonian Jungle.  I am going to ring Britannia Encyclopedia and the Guinness World Records to tell them about it but in the meantime, I had to think about how I was going to survive drop off and pick up AND be School Fete Co-ordinator!

That means, actually TALKING to Tabitha and some of these other scary creatures. Was that even possible? I didn’t even have a plan! A plan with bullets, numbers, little boxes for ticking, colour coded or even named yet.

As I walked away from Lizzie’s class, I saw Tabitha, the Queen Golden Whinge talking to Lucy. She was facing me directly. There was no escape.

What’s my plan?

I am so so dead.

But then…she did the unmistakable. She had “blanked” me.

She had seen me but was pretending she had not seen me.

Like a bullet to the heart, she had “blanked” me.

(*Blanked – a peculiar Adult Attitude Disorder where the said person has definitely seen you as you are both walking straight towards each other, and there are no people to hide behind or pretend to be talking to or aisles to duck into, and there is no way in hell she/he would have missed seeing you but this person then puts on a phony “glassy zombified and no blinking stare” as she passes by you without even a flicker of recognition. Some people hurriedly put on their Sunglasses in the five seconds as though we were walking under the bright lights of Paris. Read http://www.themulk.com.au/whats-in-a-womans-bag/ for further details on Sunglasses.)

It was war and I was not backing down, as I dragged my wounded chest forward. Sean was right!

I was NOT afraid! I was NOT afraid! I was NOT afraid! I said in my head. It was the new bugle cry for Agent Spitback.  Like all hard lessons in life, it starts with you taking the first step to STOP any BULLYING!

For crying out loud, I was a grown woman and should not be afraid!

I took a deep breath and started walking towards her. Tabitha realised her “blank” bullet was a mis-fire of the vital organs as she saw me walking towards her. She did a little double take and then tried to step backwards but there were only the bushes behind. I literally flew towards her, as adrenalin surged through my body.

It was “fight or flight” mode and I still didn’t know which way to go.

As she gave me a look of repulse that I was actually within 1 metre of her, almost instinctively I knew what to do.

I flashed my really wide smile and said, using her special nickname, only permissible by her own group, buoyed by adrenalin, “Hi, how are you doing, Tabs?”

She took a step back, firmly into the bushes this time and said hesitantly, “Eerrrr…hiiii….”

“We MUST go for coffee one of these days, just you and me.” I heard Lucy gasped in horror.

“Mmmmm, well, I am extremely busy…” said a very worried Tabitha, obviously unused to not “missing” her targets.

“Well, I can always drop by. Isn’t your house the big white one on Smith Road?” I coo-ed and with drool almost dripping.

Now Tabitha gasped and Lucy looked like a Goldfish with her bulging eyes and open mouth.

“Well, I might just drop by you know, one day when the kids are at school school and we can even go food shopping together?” I said so gently and so naturally.

Tabitha took a sharp breath and looked at me and then Lucy, then me and then back at Lucy again. She started shaking her head slightly as she went even further into the bushes. Lucy was like a stunned mullet, she was no help to anyone at this point. The desperation in Tabitha soared as did my adrenalin.

I took a step closer and put my face oh so close to hers and said warmly, “Why, we can even share a tray of Calypso mangoes that’s going on sale now.”

“AH!” The soft cry of Tabitha was barely audible as she realised she’s been hit, twice now.

“Or if you prefer to stay indoors. You can come over to my house and I can help touch up your grey roots here and here!” I gently touched her forehead and she screamed and nearly fell into the heap but the Stunned Mullet actually moved to break her fall.

As I walked away, I heard Lucy trying to revive her.

I walked away and smiled.

Who needed friends when you could be a STALKER? The Mummy Stalker!

Why, come tomorrow, I will even start a rumour or two about how much I adored her and wanted to be HER new best friend.

That was my brilliant counterattack.

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