Photo Credit : Istock.com/VladimirFLoyd

30th May

MONEY HAG CAMPAIGN

Husband reminded me that we should also start our search for a more long term rental situation as our short term lease was coming to an end. While he continued the job hunt, I would take on the house hunt.

And of course, my campaign to capture that elusive BFF in the Money Hag circle.

The Money Hag mums wear codes and speak in codes — DKNY,  CK etc. They are always dressed in sunny shades of colours that I  can’t even pronounce – cyan, azure, magenta, sapphire, lilac, maroon, burgundy, byzantine, capri, tangerine, turquoise, sienna, fuchsia, mauve….errrrr…. wait, hang on, are those the names of their children?

That afternoon, I spotted one, waiting by her lonesome self. I walked slowly and steadily, I must not deviate from the course of action. A slight breeze picked up and I saw her wrinkle her nose, as if hit by a pungent smile.

I was puzzled as I smelt nothing.

As I moved closer, she started to look around with a very puzzled look on her face.

I smelt nothing except maybe of the bacon I cooked this morning.

I was almost upon her. I saw her take out her nicely monogrammed iron pressed stark white handkerchief and covered her face.

ME : Hiiii….

ME : Hello

She jumped up in shock as she spotted me. I saw her take her Prada sunglasses from her head and put it on. She peered at me through it, took two steps back and starting speaking, in her clipped accent.

DKNY MUM : Gucci?

ME : Isn’t it great weather we’re having?

DKNY MUM (took another two steps back) : Prada prada.

ME : Oh your baby is so cute…

DKNY : Oshgosh, Babygap, baby LV?

ME : Kmart? Ebay? Warehouse sale? G…E…N…E…R…I…C      H…O…U…S…E    B…R…A…N…D (I say in slow-mo).

She clutched her chest, as if hit and stumbled backwards, in shock, stunned.

I walked forward to help her, almost ten centimetres from her face when she began to retch as if she was deathly ill. She started waving her hands away, and she started walking, stumbling backwards, in her Jimmy Choos. Shaking her head, she took out her Chanel sanitizer and sprayed it all over herself, her baby and the air around her.

She had been hit by the smell of poverty –  Soap, worse, Generic House Brand SOAP mixed with greasy bacon and multipurpose cleaning spray.

Unintended Casualty of the campaign – unintended Missile launch.

MISSION MONEY HAG – FAILED

Worse, I might have permanently damaged her olfactory organs.

 

 

© ELT 2015. All rights reserved

 

Share Button