Agent Spitback for THE TELEGAFF

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A very over-tired, sleep deprived, wine and gin drinking, 34 year old middle class Mother of 3 children, Anthea Jones made a startling discovery while waiting for her 6 year old at his school pick up, when she stumbled upon Jessica Biel’s #showereats challenge.

“Jessica had posted a picture of a running shower, an empty plate of what was supposedly chicken apple sausage and a cup of espresso in the shower and she basically said she eats in the shower. It was as if a light bulb had gone off in my head!”

Yes. I eat in the shower. I admit it. Chicken apple sausage and espresso. Try it. I dare you. #ShowerEats

A post shared by Jessica Biel (@jessicabiel) on

It was an Archimedes moment as Anthea jumped up and down in her Vans shoes, and started running up and down the school garden patch, making sure not to trod on the little carrot shoots, yelling “Eureka! Eureka!”

“I suddenly realised that this is what I had to do if I ever wanted to have a hot lunch and a nice cup of steaming tea again! It was so simple, have your tea in the shower. Simply brilliant. I was so excited that I immediately signed up for this challenge.” said Anthea.

After school pick up, she raced down to her local Woolworths, determined to smash this challenge and look for “chicken apple sausages” and espresso.

“Chicken ‘ver ‘ere and dam ‘pples ‘ere, Ma’am,” clarified the local Woolworths employee when Anthea enquired about “chicken apple sausage”.

“I know that but I want chicken apple sausage!” she asked again, making sure she articulated all her vowels properly.

“I ‘eard youse, Ma’am. Youse just said that. Dam chicken is at the frozen aisle, apple is in the front of the store and sausage that’s in the Deli section, Ma’am,” repeated the local Woolworths employee who wondered if this was one of those Moms his mother warned him about. His mother lived on a diet of reality Television shows and had warned him of mothers dressed up in their tracksuits and sunglasses, behaving weirdly because they were secretly high on painkillers or six glasses of wine.

Anthea politely thanked the young man and thought it best to just try to find them herself.

After circling the supermarket three times with three whiny snotty kids, Anthea threw her hand up in defeat because the two whiny kids were now fighting about who got to push the baby, who got to hang off the trolley and yes, who wanted to play bumper trolley carts now with another old lady’s trolley. Anthea was actually not fazed at all because this was a normal shopping experience. She simply promised them a chocolate coin each and then apologised profusely to the old lady.

She decided then to just buy the cheapish Home Brand Chicken Sausages, which was on sale anyway for $5, down from $6.50, and thought she shouldn’t bother buying espresso because the baby looked dangerously close to wanting a feed or a poo, either of the two which she was not ready to deal with at that moment. She had forgotten to replenish the baby wipes.

“I thought I did really well, you know! Sausages were on sale and nobody wanted to go pee pee or poo poo when we were at the check out. When I was buckling the children up, I was so confident that I was going to nail this challenge. I mean, I actually thought that this was going to be easy as making pancakes. Hah….easy….and then…then…” Anthea’s voice faltered for just a bit.

Anthea then asked for a break as she had to compose herself before continue her harrowing tale of completing the #showereats challenge.

“When I reached home, it was as if all hell broke loose. Just as I put the sausages on the pan and the water to boil, the second child who was toilet training needed me to take her potty while the youngest child was already hanging off my tits. Before I could even say Yankee Doodle, the second child had pooped everywhere but the toilet. And then the baby had a refluxy moment and threw up everywhere, on my hair, my blouse, my floor…. And in barges the eldest who  begins skidding in the vomit, and wants to help “clean up” the mess…which was….”

Anthea was unable to go on at this point because we all understand too well how simply horrifying it is to re-tell any tale about children trying to “help”.

“I was lucky that my husband come home at that point and honestly,  NOW I really needed to shower anyway,” so Anthea dropped the kids on the husband and bolted straight to the shower with her half burnt sausages on a Thomas the Tank plastic plate and plain boiled water in a bowl because that was the utensils they currently use and she had no time to soak the tea bag. “But hey, I was still confident I could do this. I actually made it.”

Anthea high fived herself, turned on the shower and squatted down, relishing at the thought of a hot shower, a hot meal of sausages and a hot cuppa. As soon as she put the sausage into her mouth with her finger because she had forgotten a fork, a barrage of text messages from her husband assaulted her.

Honey, where are the baby wipes?

Honey, where’s my Coke?

Honey, how long are you going to be?

Oh God, honey, please…hurry, I really need to take a dump.

Honey, you have to come out. The kids are asking for something called a snack? Do we even have such things? What are snacks?

Oh no, Baby has done a massive poop! Which way does the diaper go again?

She bravely ignored the messages because she was determined to finish this challenge. But half way through her first sausage, her husband must have surrendered because the eldest child was now pounding on the door and calling out  for a snack, the baby was peeping under the door, presumably with a loaded diaper and the second child was yelling that she needed to poo again. It was at this point that Anthea had another poo filled Eureka moment about trying to have a hot meal, or hot anything.

“This is totally not possible for the non celebrity mother!” Anthea is warning all mothers to actually start training before accepting any celebrity endorsed Mothering challenge.

“I was totally at fault. I should have actually started training for this challenge, like how people train for the Mt Everest Climb, months before. I was foolish to think that I could do it all in one afternoon. You need to plan and train and ask yourself some important questions about this challenge first before starting.”

1) Who actually goes shopping for Jessica’s sausages and espresso?

2) Who cooks her sausages?

3) Who makes her coffee?

4) Who cleans those plates?

5) And the cup?

6) Hang on, she even had time to have a shower?

7) Holy crap, just look at her bathroom, it’s actually looks so clean.

8) Oh my god, she actually has adult crockery which matches.

9) And wait, I haven’t seen one of those – what’s that whachamya call it? Pork, Cork, oh yeah, a fork for such a long time.  She has time for a fork?

“ALWAYS, always ask yourself some hard questions before starting any celebrity endorsed challenge.  Are you Blake Lively married to Ryan Reynolds? Do you wake up next to Tom Hardy? Do you even have nice adult crockery? If your answer is no, then you have to realize that you will not have hair or crockery that is nice enough for the next 18 years, to do what they do.”

She now realises that it’s simply impossible to have a hot meal, have matching crockery that looks so good, eat with a bloody fork or just have nice things when you have kids. She is still determined to finish this challenge and she reports she is still currently looking for chicken apple sausages and is in training for eating quickly with a fork.

This post is the first of a series based on the Secret Investigative Files of Agent Spitback, which is completely made up.

 

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