You know the friend your husband warned you not to bring home because she drinks all his expensive wines? The friend the P&C is trying to ban from their meetings because she never reads the notices and will donate store bought donuts in defiance at every fundraiser? The one rated PG-13 potty-mouthed straight shooter from the womb, who never minces her words and orders you straight up like a whisky neat. She tells you point blank that she would rather poke her eyes out the than attend another play date, watching kids play Minecraft for the millionth time.

The one all the other moms fear because she tells you exactly what is on her mind, in all 503 different cuss languages.

Please do not dilly dally on your friendship crusade and do not stop by the always annoyingly Goody two shoes P’interest Perfect Parent Jane who will lie to you about how incredibly painless her childbirth experience was simply by her visualizing her muscles expanding. The no bullshit friend will tell you that that is a complete crock full of hogwash as she describes to you in colorful detail the art of squeezing a watermelon out of her hoo-ha, which hurt like a bitch because that’s the bloody honest truth.

As your eyes widen in horror, she will then re-assure that the only thing that will and should be expanding is your repertoire of cuss words, as you let it rip at that husband of yours who is still watching the game in the labor ward and asks you if you can “wait a while” while you’re trying to push that said watermelon out so that he finish watching the game. Hell, the no bullshit friend will even share with you some choice words to add to that repertoire, just in case that said husband has the audacity to complain that he’s so tired, hungry and bored and how he needs some shut eye while you are the one in pain for the last twelve hours.

Every mom needs at least one no bullshit mom friend who will actually tell her how incredibly hard motherhood can be with a few shits thrown in with a healthy dose of assholes references so that she knows what to really expect. So here are the reasons why you don’t have to be afraid of the no bullshit mom.

  • She will never bullshit you about the shitty parts of pregnancy. She will point out your swollen fingers looking like 10 frozen fish sticks, that you have grown Dolly Parton’s tits from hell, and that you look like a beached whale version of your Uncle Marty with his beer belly, but she will be your Thelma to your Louise as she rocks up at your front door, egging you to joyride in her Grandma Lily’s motorized scooter to help get you to that Krispy Kreme store because damn it, you deserve it.
  • She will never bullshit you that the only glow of pregnancy you may ever see is that of the toilet bowl but she will be right there, holding your hair back for you, making sure you are all right, all the while asking you what the hell did you eat the bloody night before.
  • She will never bullshit you about the bloody awful days when the baby sticks his foot right up your ribs, or when his head is canon balling your pelvis and that you can’t walk or sleep much from all that peeing but she will help paint your toenails which you have not seen in about three months now because she knows you deserve to feel beautiful.
  • She will never bullshit you that giving birth is bloody painful and there would be no soft music, lights and make up re-touches. She will congratulate you on having been casted as Sigourney Weaver in your very own Alien movie. It is just as bloody and gory and the screams just as real and horrifying but she will present you with your very own Academy Award, with a side of champagne for doing such an amazing job of being a watermelon pusher!
  • She will never bullshit you that all the hypnobirthing, breathing, and visualization techniques are bullshit because fact is giving birth is painful. Period. Anyone who tries to tell you anything else is either trying to sell you his or her birthing services or a man. It is the most god-awful pain and while these mental strategies can help cope with the pain to some degree, it is still bloody painful. She will tell you, the minute they put that baby on your chest, you will know it’s all been worth it, even with that new ass you never ordered.
  • She will never bullshit you that breastfeeding your baby is natural and beautiful but it can still  hurt like hell and can be the most difficult thing you will ever try to do. You will be frustrated, you will be sore, and you may cry in frustration in sleep deprivation and instead of saying stupid things like “It’s easy and natural, so all women should do it!”, she will listen to you without judgment and she will even help you buy that first tin of formula.
  • She will never bullshit you that even though your baby looks like a complete angel now in the hospital cot, she will tell you that you may never sleep again for the next five years and that fresh hell has just begun. She will never tell you “it’s only a phase” because she knows that that is the most bloody useless parenting phrase ever. She will pop round, she will help with the baby, she will dry your tears, and she will just bloody be there because she knows that being all talk is just total bullshit.
  • She will never bullshit you about the other judgey moms who may be waiting out there for you, in the doctor’s surgery, the supermarket, at the playground or at school who may judge you for the choices you make, for the clothes you wear, for the color of your skin, for the car you drive or the laugh you have but she will be there to defend you and stand up for you, every single day. She will block or unfriend them, or worse, run against them for the PTA Presidency, just because she can and takes no bullshit.
  • She will never bullshit you that yes, some days you will look like shit, you will feel like shit and that basically life with kids can be kinda shitty at times, but come every Saturday night, you’ll be a small town girl living in a lonely world, who took a midnight train with her, your no bull shit friend, going anywhere, right after she tells you that that breastfeeding bra you are wearing right now must be the most ugliest thing she has ever seen.

That’s where she will always be, right next to you on that midnight train, with two glasses of your husband’s best Shiraz because the no bullshit friend knows that that is when a mom needs a friend the most.

This post was featured on Scary Mommy

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