To the Person in charge of giving out Mommy Halos,
Excuse me, but where’s my Mommy Halo? I am not sure if it was an honest mistake that you missed me out when you were giving out the Mommy Halos?
You know the Halo I pre pre ordered when I found out I was pregnant with my first child?
Gold plated, self-illuminating, limited edition, monogrammed with pre-paid postage?
The one, which would instantly flip my base human desires and make me “good”, almost saintly, in fact.
The Halo which would magical turn off my selfish desires, my mother trucking swearing ways, my Pina Colada Sun downing habit, killer stiletto fetishes and junk food addiction, a pole dancing wannabe and somehow turn me into a softly spoken, calm and patient Mother Theresa, paragon of high moral virtue and lover of high fibre but completely tasteless breakfasts?
I was quite disappointed that even though I pre-ordered the Halo even before the official due date of my first child that it never arrived. I am almost ashamed to say that I had to forgo my drug free 100% natural birth plan to crawl on my hands and knees and give birth on my garden bed, in tune to the chirping of the birds when instead I had to have my baby in a hospital. Worse, I even had the audacity to ask, no, demand for drugs and the birth was then live broadcasted in 1064 cuss words to one doctor, three nurses and one husband.
I was sure my Halo would arrive the next morning and so I bravely ticked the “healthy” option for breakfast as I was after all, a mother now. My old unhealthy eating habits would automatically be extinguished but I knew something was wrong when I gagged at the porridge they served and I used the wholegrain rye bread as my maternity pad. I made my husband buy me a Krispy Kreme and a Big Mac Meal for breakfast because my body demanded them. My body just could not process that it was a Mother now and she was supposed to LIKE eating food that she cannot spell or pronounce, like kale, chia or quinoa.
With the birth of my child, I should have the patience of a pastry chef creating a meringue but unfortunately, without my Halo, I have had the patience of a sleep deprived horny long distance truck driver, fog horn blasting his way back home, because the chili is not settling in his tummy and threatening to expel itself. I have fog horned when the baby cried baptizing me in pee, I have fog horned when the baby poo-ed and I had to scrape poo from under my nails and I have fog horned when the baby did not sleep for the last ten hours straight and I knew I had laundry to wash, dirty dishes in the sink and groceries to buy.
Please, I really need my Halo as I have been so incredibly selfish in just wanting to take a nap, pee alone, have a long hot bath or have a proper hot meal for ten minutes in peace. I can’t believe how selfish I have been in not enjoying being someone’s 24/7 human pacifier, sling and mattress.
I have been so selfish in wanting to have time to myself, to read a book, have a long bath or just meet my friends for a coffee. How incredibly selfish can a mother be in wanting to do things for herself or be by herself?
I also need my Halo as the amount of lying I have been doing has simply gotten out of hand. I have told many lies while growing up – lying to get into that hot club, lying to the hot guy and then lying to my parents about trying to meet that hot guy but the lies were supposed to end when I became a mother or so I thought. I swear the amount of lying I have been doing as a mother will make me the new Presidential Candidate for the next elections. I have lied to my baby, now toddler that the TV is broken, the toy shop is closed and that there are no veggies hidden in the bolognaise sauce. I even told him that a raisin was candy! I did not even bat an eyelid when I drew the curtains in the house and told my toddler that the outside was now dark and that it was time for bed because I really wanted to just lie down and watch Netflix, even though it was only 3 o’clock in the afternoon.
My house is in a total mess, I have not done any shopping, there is no food, no alcohol and worse, no more Cake and frankly, I don’t really care anymore. So I implore you to send my Halo, as soon as possible, in haste before it’s too late and I run out of baby wipes.
I just hope my Halo would arrive in time to stop my child from inscribing on my headstone –
“El, beloved wife and mother, Conniving Liar of Dental and Medical Vaccination appointments, A well known Cheat of hidden Carrots and Lentil in Bolognaise sauce and Thief of Halloween Bags, beyond maternal redemption, banned in all 213 playgroups within the 50 km radius of her home.
An Imperfect Mother who did love her children perfectly but who would not share her candy.
She tried. She really did.
But her Halo just never turned up.”
Excuse me but can you please just send that bloody Mommy Halo over now, because I just found out that I am expecting my second child.
PS. This is written in retrospect.
© ELT 2016. All rights reserved.
This post was picked as Tots 100 #postoftheday
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