Once a year, in cities all over Australia, parents are forced to step up and participate in a strange but most fearsome Parenting competition ever, called the Book Week Dress Up Parade. In the most grueling parenting competition ever, they are expected to compete against each other with aluminum foil, toilet roll and cardboard to dress their children up as the best recognized Book characters in the annual parade competition. The stakes increase every year and the current expectation is that the whole outfit is to be made from scratch and still be a worthy of a Jenny Beavan design and of Lesley Vanderwalt, Elka Wardega, Damien Martin make up and hairstyling world class standard. In short, you have to be Madder than Max to win.
The prize is often insignificant but the accolade of being crowned “The Perfect Parent” if your child wins is just too enticing, sometimes a little too tempting for some mothers, who stray just a little too far from the sewing machine and find themselves in trouble, like one such mother, Megan S.
Impeachment against Megan S.
Resolution Impeaching Megan S, Mother of 2 Children, for high crimes for Book Week Fraud and other misdemeanors of serving unhealthy dinners with no greens, too much television and Nutella for breakfast in bribery of the 2 minor children.
Resolved, that Megan is being impeached for high crimes against the Perfect Mother Image by cheating on World Book Day Dress Up Parade Competition by renting a costume and employing 15 year old Sage Lee, a teenage YouTube make up artist to dress her older child, known as “E” as the Possum in Mem Fox’s Possum Magic and other smaller misdemeanors of allowing her children to watch too much television, serving unhealthy dinners with no greens and nutella for breakfast in a bid to bribe the two children into staying complicit the and that the following articles of impeachment be exhibited to the Perfect Mothers Club :
In her conduct while being the Perfect Mother, in violation of her constitutional oath faithfully to execute the office of the Perfect Mother of her home and to the best of her ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the Perfect Mother in creating the Winning Book Week costume with her bare hands, with scraps of material, aluminum foil and paper from scratch, as Perfect Mothers should, and in violation of her constitutional duty to take care that the laws of the Perfect Mother be faithfully executed with no help from anyone else as all Perfect Mothers should do everything alone, has willfully corrupted and manipulated the judicial process of the Perfect Mothers Club for her personal gain of winning the Book Week Day Dress Up Parade and exoneration, impeding the administration of justice, in that:
On August 29, 2016, Megan swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth before the Perfect Mothers Club during Morning Coffee at Starbucks after E’s unexpected and surprising win over the said favourite Mother Queen Bee Tabitha’s original extravaganza of her child as the entire jungle of Graeme Base’s Animalia.
Contrary to that oath, Megan S willfully provided perjurious, false and misleading testimony to the Perfect Mothers Club concerning one or more of the following:
(1) the nature and details of her relationship with the said Sage Lee and Nutella;
(2) prior perjurious, false and misleading testimony she gave in the Book Week Dress up Parade Competition brought against her that she claimed to have made the Possum Costume by hand, with material purchased from Spotlight, and scraps from recycled materials garnered from her neighbour’s recycling bin and by the light of her mobile phone, during the wee hours of the morning, powered only by love, coffee and desperation;
(3) prior false and misleading statements she allowed her husband to make to a teacher in that Book Week Dress Up Parade competition that he was willing to volunteer in the mornings as a parent helper for the next five weeks;
and (4) her corrupt efforts to influence the judgment of the teachers and to impede the discovery of evidence in that Book Week Dress Up Parade Competition by rocking up with 54 library books, which she covered with contact and with no bubbles and accidentally leaving behind in the staff room, store bought mini Pavlovas from Woolworths the morning of the Parade.
The means she used to implement this course of deceit or scheme included one or more of the following acts:
(1) On or about August 17, 2016, Megan S corruptly encouraged a Mommy Friend in the Book Week Dress Up Parade Competition suit brought against her to execute a sworn affidavit that she saw Megan S make her own costume with her own hands, in that proceeding that she knew to be perjurious, false and misleading.
(2) On or about August 18, 2016, Megan S corruptly encouraged a teacher assistant in a the Book Week Dress Up Parade Competition suit brought against her to give perjurious, false and misleading testimony that it took her two weeks to create her son’s Book Week outfit, if and when called to testify personally in that proceeding by offering to do the class laundry for the whole of next term.
(3) On or about August 18, 2016, Megan S corruptly engaged in, encouraged or supported a “Costume Hire” scheme and then concealed the receipt that had been subpoenaed in the Book Week Dress Up Parade Competition complaint brought against her.
(4) Beginning on or about August 18, 2016, and continuing through and including August 23, 2016, Megan S intensified and succeeded in an effort to secure the Parent Teacher’s Presidential nomination to a witness, who saw her shopping in the Costume Hire shop, in a Book Week Dress Up Parade Competition complaint brought against her in order to corruptly prevent the truthful testimony of that witness in that proceeding at a time when the truthful testimony of that witness would have been harmful to her.
(5) On August 19, 2016, at her deposition at the Morning Coffee at the Perfect Mothers Club, Megan S corruptly allowed her Utterly Shameless Mommy friend to make false and misleading statements to a the Queen Bee Honey Bee, Tabitha characterizing an affidavit, in order to prevent questioning deemed relevant by the Queen Bee that she sewed all 2034 sequins on the costume. Such false and misleading statements were subsequently acknowledged by her Mommy friend who said she helped glued the said 2033 sequins in a communication to that Queen Bee.
(6) On or about August 20, 2016, Megan S related a false and misleading account of events relevant to a member of the Perfect Moms Club that she had followed a YouTube DIY tutorial to create the perfect Possum Face and even showed her the said tutorial, in order to corruptly influence the testimony of that witness.
(7) On or about August 21, 2016, Megan S made false and misleading statements to potential witnesses, a Mommy friend at the school car park, a Mommy friend at the school gates and another at Morning assembly, that Sage Lee is supposedly a Japanese exchange student in a Home Stay Program she was hosting, and NOT the wildly popular YouTube Princess of Make Up, in a Perfect Moms Club proceeding in order to corruptly influence the testimony of those witnesses. The false and misleading statements made by Megan S were repeated by the witnesses to the Perfect Mums Club, causing the Perfect Moms Club to receive false and misleading information into thinking that Megan S had indeed done the make up and hair herself.
In doing this, Megan S has undermined the integrity of her office as a supposed Perfect Mother, who makes everything from scratch, and bakes everything from scratch, has brought disrepute on the Perfect Mother Club, has betrayed her trust as a member of the Perfect Mother Club and has acted in a manner subversive of the rule of the Perfect Mother law and justice, to the manifest injury of her two children, who will now grow up to become Pokémon Go addicts and Netflix binge watchers.
Megan S now will await her trial and possible total banishment from the Perfect Mum Club.
© ELT 2016. All rights reserved