Unknown Virus Affecting Mothers : Experts have issued a warning to all Mothers to Think Twice before attending any of their children’s sporting events.
The Tele-Gaffe – The International Mother Health Organisation has issued a warning to all Mothers to think twice before attending any of their children’s sporting events due to a growing threat of the unknown virus which is turning normal mothers into behaving like raging potty mouthed “football hooligans”.
“Those mothers considering attending baseball games, basketball games, tennis matches, football matches, soccer matches, swimming races, netball games, cricket matches, rugby matches, athletics races, martial arts competitions or any sporting events, should look for alternative hobbies to do on a weekend,” said Dr Lanyon, one of the top leading maternal virologist, “Last week, 25 severely potty mouthed raging infected mothers were brought into the hospital during the Grand Finals of the Under 10s’ Football.”
There was been since a reported 21, 032, 946 number of diagnosed cases since the diagnosis of Patient Zero, a Mother named Edwina Henrietta St Angel by Dr Lanyon two weeks ago in a small town of Utterson.
Dr Lanyon explains that the unknown Virus, which is carried by perceived incompetent sporting referees or supposed dirty play of the rival team, infects the brains of normally meek and mild tempered mothers, which causes uncontrollable cursing and screaming, in a psychotic display of sporty competitive “I want my child to be the Winner” behaviour. The first signs of infection is when these Mothers start showing bizarre territorial behaviour, such as arriving 5 hours before the match to reserve their special “spot” for video taking.
They then begin to shout and scream at their own children during the game. They also repeatedly check the scoreboards and question the scoring abilities of the other volunteer parents on scoring duties. As the infection deepens, the Mother now shakes her head and curses under her breath when the coach benches her own child. Usually these symptoms go away when her child wins the match.
The agony of their child losing or foul play seems to trigger this unknown virus further as these mothers then turn into full blown psychos screaming, “COME ON! (Blip) (Blip) COME ON! You’re not going to get any Xbox time if you don’t play any better! Come on, Grandma runs faster than you!”
“I was shocked by Edwina’s behaviour the first time we watched Christopher play basketball,” said Gabriel, Edwina Henrietta”s husband who has suffered untold verbal abuse, “All the filth that was coming out of her mouth. It was almost I didn’t even know her! She was like my best mate at the 7th pub on a pub crawl…”
Edwina Henrietta, was the epitome of a calm and patient Mother. In fact, her community named her “Mother of the Year” six times consecutively after the birth of her child. This brave mother displayed copious amount of patience as she went through twelve months of sleep deprivation and colic screaming. She never once swore even when Christopher started teething and bit her so hard on her breast.
Edwina Henrietta was, in fact, in the running for the seventh “Mother of the Year” until seven-year-old Christopher started playing his first sport, basketball.
“In all my years of knowing Edwina Henrietta, I have never ever heard her say a bad word. Not even when I left the seat up or did not throw out the empty milk cartoon but the minute she walked into that court, there were words from her mouth that I had to look up in the Oxford Dictionary,” said Gabriel, “It was like a scene from a horror show, the head spinning, the spewing of vulgar language and the obscenities. And she was so strong that I could not hold her down on my own when one of the other team members tripped Christopher.”
At the basketball Grand Finals, it took her husband, the coach, the canteen lady, one small child (their five year old) and the teenage referee to wrestle Edwina Henrietta down because one of the other team members had “fouled” Christopher and their team lost by two points.
Edwina Henrietta was taken straight to the hospital from the basketball courts where Dr Lanyon immediately ordered a course of mouth scrubbing with carbolic soap. She has undergone five rounds of mouth scrubbing so far and is expected to make a full recovery but she is being warned, like thousands of other mothers to stay away from the Sporting arenas.
“At this point, we do not what virus this is, there is no known cure and we are not sure how long lasting the carbolic mouth washing will be. So I would urge all mothers to stay away from all sporting events, and go back to their natural activities which normally fill them with such joy on a Saturday or Sunday morning – such as scrubbing the toilets, ironing the uniforms and cooking breakfast!” advised Dr Layton.
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