I walked into the crowded room, the noise from the tipping of jigsaw puzzles unto the floor was absolutely deafening. There was hardly a clean spot on the mat with the hot sweaty mess of writhing and wriggling bodies and the looks of resignation from the older people who had to contort themselves “sitting” on the floor, trying to match random smallish jigsaw pieces which just did not want to co-operate.
Bam! I saw her.
She simply drew my breath away. She probably would not look like much to anyone else, another overtired caffeine fuelled Plain Jane Mom but to my strained eyes, I spotted a little carroty stain on her chino work pants which probably had not seen office lights for three years and a nice looking blouse which looked just a little crumpled from hugging her baby all morning.
Why, there was even a little spit up on her shoulder and on her hair, she looked absolutely charmingly normal.
The minute I saw the spit up on her hair, I knew I wanted her.
Our eyes met for a brief second and she smiled and there was an instant connection between two very tired souls of two small boys and two baby girls. She stifled a yawn and I instinctly stifled mine and we smiled at each other. It was pure sleep deprivation sympathy attraction.
She was the kind of mom who would understand what it was like NOT to be able to leave the house without forgetting something or someone and I knew she was perfect for me.
I wanted a relationship with no shared baggage of a shared history. I just wanted a Mommy Girlfriend with whom I did not have to feel guilty for wanting to talk about children, pee, poo and vomit 24 hours a day. I just wanted a Mommy girlfriend who wanted to talk about her children just as much as me. I wanted a Mommy Girlfriend for me.
Welcome to “Mommy wants a date!”
The new dating world of where the school was the playing field – the school gate and the areas outside the classrooms akin to the bar area where you could “pick” up a new Mommy girlfriend; the playground was the new dance floor where you could look awkward, struggling to find something to talk about or you could both laugh in synchronicity as if you have known each other forever and the car park? Well, the car park was the fuchsia bathroom with fake potted plants where you could trade secret looks and where secrets were shared in hushed tones and what happened in the car park, obviously stayed in the car park.
This was going to be my first time actually asking someone else out! As I stood in front of the door, I quickly checked what I was wearing. I was actually not wearing the same outfit from yesterday. I did a quick breath check, good, no trace of Bailey’s in my morning coffee or the smell of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes.
I then pulled my blouse slightly, just to show a hint of the breastfeeding brassiere I was wearing, nice to show a little solidarity. Hang on, was I even wearing a bra today? I pretended to be flicking something off my jacket and I gave my boobs a squeeze and I gave a little sigh of relief.
I peeped in my baby bag – raisins, apple, juice box, healthy treats, everything to tempt the potential girlfriend’s offspring. I had spent the last two weeks stalking her Facebook. I knew she was into baby wearing, yoga living and smoothie detox. I also knew that Kale, Chia and Quinoa were not celebrity baby names. Hell, I even wore my baby today, just for her.
I looked at myself in the mirror and winked at myself, “Oh, you are so going to get so lucky today!”
I brought my child in and asked him to pick a puzzle. I slid down next to the potential girlfriend and I flashed my most dazzling smile. She looked up at me, hesitantly and expectantly.
“Hi Jean….” I said and I had the most brilliant pick up line about her being the most expert SUV parallel parker in school and then I would casually slip in about going for morning coffee and then we would sign up for Yoga with Baby together.
I had our next six months already mapped out. I even knew where we would be celebrating our one year friendship-anniversary at the Indoor Playground where we will click our juice boxes and share a pack of french fries.
“Jane…” she mumbled as her smile melted.
“Huh? Pardon, Jean?” I said, a little confused as to why she would be talking about that red headed mom, “Did I tell you about your parking…”
“I’m Jane, not Jean…” she said coldly.
My confident smile faded, the hair on my arm stood on end and my hands turned clammy. The dreams of cappuccinos and flat whites, shared Yoga with Baby classes and juice boxes and french fries simply evaporated.
Mummy Dating 101 – Get the name right!
My mummy brain buzzed with unwashed laundry, uneaten meals, unmade beds and sleepless nights, but there was no excuse for forgetting the most important thing about asking someone out for a date! Even a 13 year old would know that!
“What’s that, honey?” I turned away from her to face my son even though he had not asked me anything. I then covertly ripped the toy from my baby’s hand and she, of course, instantly squawked.
As both children started squawking, I let out a huge sigh of relief and I turned back to Jane in mock parental distress and mouthed “Sorry!” as I let my son drag me off to another part of the classroom.
I was not defeated because Mommy Dating was so forgiving. Trust me, most moms cannot even remember their own children’s names.
Remember how many times have your own mother called out all your sibling names when trying to call yours?
I made a mental note to ask her out in two weeks because when teething starts, both of us would be too tired to remember that I forgot her name today.
I am so still in the game!
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