WARNING : This post contains extreme humour, strong feelings and objectionable material to some people.

Rated : MH – Mature Humour – Do not bother reading if you do not have one.

 

HOT PRESS RELEASE!!!

“Wherever you hide that tin of formula,….we’re coming to get you, Formula Feeders! We’ll be in your kitchen, checking your bottles and throwing out your tins of formula! We are the mighty “Breastfeeding Boobs Squad” (BBS).

We have heeded the call of Jamie Oliver and we, the BBS who have dedicated our boobs to breastfeeding. We swear on our boobs that we will hunt every non breastfeeding lactating mother and we will make each and everyone of you pay by burning your pretty normal bras. We are everywhere, at coffee shop, at the mall, at the school, on the bus, on the train, at the swimming pool, the playground, at the Mother’s Group. Every boob and nipple will not be safe from us. Make no mistake, we will be coming for you if you give even an ounce of formula to your baby. Formula Feeders, beware! We will be watching YOU! ”

We have heard Jamie Oliver’s call and we are coming!

Inspired by Jamie’s attempts at “unpacking” breastfeeding data and launching a much needed campaign to support women all around the world in the correct use of their mammary glands, a group of hard nosed Breastfeeding Militants have come together to form the “Breastfeeding Boobs Squad”.

We, Breastfeeding Mums and our hardworking boobs, have been much in hiding most of our lives, being afraid to speak out because of what we will call Formula Feeding Mummy Force attempts to silence the breastfeeding mothers with their self-pity. Then there is the incredible power of Formula Companies determined to make a dollar off women and their babies, determined to squash the boobs of the breastfeeding mums so it never leaks colostrum ever again.

If breastfeeding is really as easy and convenient as Jamie says, then really, what is so difficult about whipping out a boob and feeding your child?

Ok, let me re-phrase that:

What is so difficult in IMAGINING whipping out your boob, slapping your baby to your chest, baby opening mouth, baby starts to suck, milk comes out in bountiful amounts and in that perfect fairy tale world, you then imagine yourself cleaning the entire house, cooking a Jamie Oliver standard dinner, do the washing, singing while the animals come in and keep you company while you do it all in high heels, a ball gown and make up, of course.

If it is so easy to imagine, surely it stands to reason that it must be just as simple to really do in real life? After all, if I can imagine jumping off a plane to skydive, how difficult can it be to do it in real life? Similarly, how difficult really is it to stick a nipple in a baby’s mouth?

Like the long serving self martyr Perfect Mother I am and the other members of my group, I am sure I am on the road to self canonization of being St Mother Perfect as I have persoanlly dedicated 6 and a half years to breastfeeding my three children. It was like Jamie says, been so incredibly easy and convenient– leaky boobs, cracked and sore nipples, trying to navigate the latch on positions, mastitis, broken wounds, the sleepless nights from demand breastfeeding, the desperation when milk would not come in, when you can not pump, when your baby was constantly hungry, no, these are not real excuses reasons at all.

I am sure Jamie would have been right by my side the days and nights I cried during the first few months when I tried so desperately to feed my eldest child who had severe reflux which went undiagnosed for two years. He nursed and threw up every two hours, 24 hours a day, seven days a week for the first 24 months of his life. I breastfed exclusively for 6 months but he hardly gained any weight.  I became so very ill from pneumonia because I was so malnourished as a result of his frequent need to nurse. I was surviving only on guilt and more guilt.  Wrecked with guilt and immense pressure from the “expert” advice that I could “stunt him, make him ill or obese”, I refused to give him any formula. I was so worried that I would be poisoning him with formula.

I am sure I wouldn’t have needed formula then as a back up at all if I had Jamie then in my day to save me, like you lucky lot today.

So yes, Jamie, on behalf of the mothers around the world, we thank you for opening the eyes of mothers all round the world : What these mothers don’t need is formula, but added stress, guilt and a good old fashioned kick up their lazy bums! There’s nothing like more guilt to motivate people.

We, the members of the BBS, sworn our allegiance by have our boobs tattooed with Jamie’s breastfeeding mantra that “breastfeeding is easy and convenient”. Our first course of action would be to demand that the government do two things, effective immediately:

  1. Introducing The Formula Tax
  2. Formalising the Breastfeeding Boobs Squad

 

Formula Tax

Riding on the success of the sugar tax, the Formula Tax can be applied to all tins of formula to improve the health of our babies. At just £1 ($10) per tin, experts believe that up to £20 billion can be generated to support the after effects of this tax measures in supporting the failed mental health support and quiet desperation of some non breastfeeding mothers.

Better still, let’s increase the tax to £24,000 per tin, just like Beluga Caviar, and make it the most expensive food in the world.

We can then go make the Darwinian Law of Survival a reality – those who can’t breastfeed, then that’s just too bad for them. Only the breastfed baby (and rich) will survive.

 

ThenBreastfeeding Boobs Squad

The Breastfeeding Boobs Squad (BBS) will be rightfully recognised as a true political party to be reckoned with. Our first act of parliament would be to pass a new law, which will make formula feeding illegal, and lactating mothers be subject to compulsory random breastfeeding tests conducted by the BBS.

All mothers will have to submit their nipples and boobs for regular monthly examinations to make sure their nipples are of the correct size. Their breasts will then be “milked” and the breastmilk sample be taken to the nearest laboratory to be tested.

Mothers can be subject to a fine of up to £100 and imprisonment of up to 12 weeks if they are found to be producing breast milk of

  1. an inferior quality.
  2. of a quantity less than the national average.
  3. more than usual levels of sugars – obviously indicating the need to increase the amount of the sugar tax.

Big Brother style cameras will also be installed in all homes to ensure that there is no illegal consumption or use of breast milk. Fathers will face up to 4 years of imprisonment if they are found guilty of consuming the substance, whether directly or otherwise.

Let’s take this up another notch and let’s not even offer “Formula” as a choice to mothers who can’t breastfeed because of a physical or emotional illness, of having had a mastectomy, of having to work double shifts just to put food in their own bellies or just because their “useless” breasts cannot provide the sustenance?

If you can’t breastfeed, then that’s just too bad.

If the government does not accede to our demands, we will have no choice but to stage a “Breast In” anyplace anytime, where we will strip to our boobs and aimlessly squirt people with our breastmilk! Are you scared now? Are you listening?

We are sure that these measures will improve the rate of breastfeeding dramatically and champion a new generation of Breastfeeding Militant Mummies to replace the Formula Feeding  Mummies, of which, I will then nominate myself as the President of Public Breastfeeding Mummy Shaming Club – where formula feeding mothers will be routinely dragged out to the square and publicly humiliated with evil eye looks and looks of repulsion and taunts of “How could YOU?” and of course the occasional grope as obviously their boobs must not be real or functional.

We are so honoured that a man, whose mammary glands have served no other function but to look sexy through a white T-shirt will be coming to “save” mothers like me all round the world. We hope that Jamie will agree to be our mascot and symbol of Breastfeeding Militarism.

We have already filed law suits against our own formula feeding mothers, as our first act of public dissent to prove our loyalty to the cause.

We are The Breastfeeding Boobs Squad! So come join us and hear us breastfeed while we hunt these Formula Feeders down! Let the suckling sounds of every baby be the bugle cry to war!

If you have two lactating boobs, please apply to theperfectmother@hastheperfectbreastfeedingboobs.com, If you have non functional lactating boobs, you can only apply to mascot@hasNObreastfeedingboobs.com

 

** This post is written in extreme jest and if it sounds ridiculous, then you know how the author really feels about the whole affair of breast vs bottle. There is a real and different story behind each breast or each bottle and who are you to judge or advise if you are not part of her story?

So put your bottles and breasts down, and walk away slowly, back to your babies who will love you for who you are, this is not a standoff of who is the better mother.

You are a mother, already the better mother to that baby, regardless of how you feed him because you love him.

 

This post was featured on HuffingtonPost UK.

When The Mulk tries to be funny, I become Agent Spitback writing life nonsense for my Secret Diary.

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