It is a well known documented scientific fact that women move in packs. Women bond over hobbies, shared interests, medical issues, children, and form packs. We, women like to do everything together – we drink coffee together, we eat together, we shell peas together, and we even go to the toilet together. Confess now, how many of us have had meaningful conversations across bathroom stalls?

There are so many packs in society – “I’ll help you hold your hair while you puke bar hop pack”, “The what the h*ll? let’s DO it AGAIN”  “The OMG, why did we just do that AGAIN Pack”, “The marathon always in training 10 hour from shops open to shops close shopping Pack”, “The Eat Cake, Wine and Chips and watch the Notebook Pack” and of course, “the Mummy Pack”.

Like a Wolf Pack, the Mummy Pack is presumably but never documented before, the most dangerous, ferocious and protective of all packs because instead of guarding beer brewing secrets, the mother pack is protecting the most important assets of society – the offsprings.

Mothers bond over  colicky or vomity children, sick children, difficult children, gifted children, talented children, children who are just children, difficult pregnancies, traumatic childbirths, similar aged children, similar upbringings, or simply over the fact that their children are best friends. The bonds are forged over a fire of tears or laughter, and the Mother Packs are born in a seal of friendship.

Go to any playground, park,  indoor playground, coffee shops, mother’s groups or schools and you will see them all in their different packs ranging from anywhere from 2 to 50 members. The bobbing heads bonding over tea, coffee, sleepless nights and vomiting/poo incidents.

A Mummy Pack, as essential as nappy rash cream. You need it when you really need it, especially when there’s a nasty itchy rash that you can’t scratch yourself. They protect you and help you get through some of the toughest times on your parenting journey.

Are you part of a Mummy Pack? How do you know when you are an official Mummy Packer?

Here are ten ingredients that make a Mummy Pack:

1. The Hunt
You’ve just had a baby, and the other mothers bring you food, everyday, for the next six months, bless them. They help cook, they help clean, and they help hunt down that missing dummy or breast pad for you, every single time.

2. The Den
You have cake and coffee with the Pack every Thursday morning at the “Coffee Shop” where Armando is the hot young waiter who knows all your orders by heart and Cora flirts shamelessly with him which you will all then promptly howl with laughter at after he walks away from your table. Your table, Table 14, by the window, with the plumpy red velvety cushions, that is your Den.

3. The Wines
Whenever you feel like you are a bad mother because your usually sweet child has been a spawn from hell that day, the girls will come round with a bottle of wine, okay, six bottles of wine and let all the spawns battle it out in “who’s the most hellish spawn from hell today?” Then after the six bottles, the whole pack will drunkenly laugh at the Spawns’ Mess from Hell and leave it to the Beta Members, the Husbands to clean it up, except Cora, who thinks about ringing Armando to come help clean up in just his apron.

4. Babysitting
You’re unwell, and the other mothers offer to babysit and help entertain your child, even when you know they know your child has just been awarded a Merit certificate from Hell that day.

5. The Dress code
You end up wearing the same type of outfit. You will often hear or say, “Look at that, we’re all in black today!” “We’re wearing Nikes too” or “Hahaha, we’ve bought the same sweat pants”.

6. Language
Your Pack has a secret language.

One of your pack, Jane only needs to say, “she didn’t even invite my son to her son’s party…” and you know immediately that “she” refers to Anna, of the rival pack, who always fights your Pack for the best seats at the school concert.

7. More Language
You only need to deliver one line jokes and the whole pack will howl with laughter. You will say, “someone really loves tending to her bushes” and Jane, Cora and Lindley will immediately crack up and know that that line refers to the same Anna and her alleged sordid affair with the hot new Science teacher, Mr Parks.

8. Really more language?
You just know whenever one of your Pack is upset, feeling down or hurt. That instinct, that non verbal kind, the one look and you just know kind of language.

And immediately, the emergency howling begins.

You start howling on your text messages and phone calls. Everyone howls in unison and perfect synchronicity. The whole Pack now rallies around the said member as you all plot and scheme to take Anna down.

9. The Watering Hole
You jump when you hear a blood curdling scream from Billy. You rush to him and you realize he’s hurt. Your fangs and claws shoot out. You are prepared to defend him till social death …

…and he’s not even your child.

He’s Cora’s child.

Just one scream from any of your pups, be it at the watering hole aka the playground, and out comes the fangs and claws of every member of the Pack. They form a protective wall around the litter and eyeball the person who dared to even touch a strand of hair on any of your precious pups.

10. The Special Mummy Pack Code
You know you are really part of a Mummy Pack when you all raise your families together by the code, a code only known to your pack.

Like a special passcode, which is valid for life. It could be – “Friends Forever”, “Always here for you”, “Cake for Breakfast” or “I’ll bring the wine”.

If you know the code, you’re in the Pack!

My special Mummy Pack Code is “Let’s drink wine, eat cake, tell each other if we have a VPL and grow old together. I’ll help change YOUR diapers if you help change mine.”

 

A special thank you to my Mummy Pack, you so know who you are.

Do you have a Mummy Pack? Who do you trust to watch over your wine, chocolate, cheese while you dance the night away (or okay, have  a nap)?

 

This post was featured on the Front Page of Mumsnet.

When The Mulk tries to be funny, I become Agent Spitback writing life nonsense for my Secret Diary.

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