The house is quiet, the kids have been put to bed, and the chores have been done, well, as much as humanly possible anyway, and the two of you are finally alone.

The two of you have been waiting for this moment for such a long time. A time where you both can soak in each other’s presence, where love needs no words, where you were both who you were before there was three, four or five. A time where all you needed, no, yearned, no, wanted, no, desired was to be with each other.

Totally, unconditionally and as a singularity.

You look into her eyes and you reach out for her.  As you caress her cheeks, she shrinks a little from your touch because it is now all too much for her. Her days are all mixed up and she is no longer just your lover, she is someone’s mom, someone’s butt wiper, someone’s food taster, someone’s “dummy”, someone’s human hoover, someone else’s “everything”.

 

And…you’ve realised what used to work doesn’t work anymore.

How do you put the sex back into your marriage?

Well, Dr Spits is pleased to announce the discovery of a new level of foreplay, written as a bedtime story just for women, to be told by their partners, ten minutes before intended coitus. (Perfect Mother’s Day Gift!)

 


 

“Great Sex with Knee Pads”

To be read after the children have gone to bed or moved out of the home.

To be read in a deep, sexy drawl like Sean Connery, Johnny Depp or Chris Hemworth.

To be read to her as she lies in a warm bath with oils, candles and scents, or as she is gently being massaged by yourself or as you hold her tightly in your arms.

 

I am Dad

Dad I am

 

That Dad-I-am

That Dad-I-am!

I do not like

that Dad-I-am

 

Do you like

great sex with knee pads?

 

I do not like it,

Dad-I-am.

I do not like

great sex with knee pads.

 

Would you like sex

Here or there?

 

I would not like sex

here or there.

I would not like sex

anywhere.

I do not like

great sex with knee pads.

I do not like sex,

Dad-I-am

 

Would you like sex

in our house?

Would you like sex

Without your blouse?

 

I do not like sex

in our house.

I do not like sex

Without my blouse.

I do not like sex

here or there.

I do not like sex

anywhere.

I do not like great sex with knee pads.

I do not like sex, Dad-I-am.

 

 

Would you have sex

In our bed?

Would you have sex

In our shed?

 

Not in our bed.

Not in our shed.

Not in a house.

Not without my blouse.

I would not have sex here or there.

I would not have sex anywhere.

I would not have great sex with knee pads.

I do not like sex, Dad-I-am.

 

Would you? Could you?

in our car?

Wear them! Wear them!

Here they are.

 

I would not,

could not,

in our car

 

You may like it.

You will see.

You may like sex

with my Willy?

 

I would not, could not in our bed.

Not in our car! You let me be.

I do not like it in our bed.

I do not like it in our shed

I do not like it in our house

I do not like it without my blouse

I do not like it here or there.

I do not like it anywhere.

I do not like great sex with knee pads.

I do not like it, Dad-I-am.

 

A Quickie! A Quickie!

A Quickie! A Quickie!

Could you, would you

Do a quickie?

 

Not a Quickie! Not with your willy!

Not in our car! Dad! Let me be!

I would not, could not, in our bed.

I could not, would not, in our shed.

I will not have sex without my bouse.

I will not have sex in our house.

I will not have sex here or there.

I will not have sex anywhere.

I do not like sex, Dad-I-am.

 

 

Say!

In the Loo?

Here in the Loo!

Would you, could you, in the Loo?

 

I would not, could not,

in the Loo.

 

Would you, could you,

after you put to bed our sweet little baby?

 

I would not, could not, after I put to bed our sweet little baby.

Not in the Loo. Not with your Willy,

Not in a car, Not a Quickie.

I do not like sex, Dad, you see.

Not in our house. Not in our bed.

Not without my blouse. Not in our shed.

I will not have sex here or there.

I do not like sex anywhere!

 

You do not like

Great sex with knee pads?

 

I do not

like sex,

Dad-I-am.

 

Could you, would you,

After doing the laundry?

 

I would not,

could not.

After doing the laundry!

 

Would you,

could you,

After cooking tea?

 

I could not, would not, after cooking tea.

I will not, will not, after doing the laundry.

I will not have sex after I put to bed our sweet little baby.

I will not have a quickie.

Not in the loo! Not with your Willy!

Not in a car! You let me be!

I do not like sex in our bed.

I do not like sex in our shed.

I will not have sex in our house.

I do not like sex without my blouse.

I do not like sex here or there.

I do not like sex ANYWHERE!

 

I do not like

Great sex

With Knee Pads!

 

I do not like sex,

Dad-I-am.

 

You do not like great sex,

SO you say.

Try it! Try it!

And you may.

Try it and you may I say.

 

Dad I am

I am Dad

I will cook the tea,

I will do the laundry,

I will put to bed our sweet little baby.

Come on, let’s have a quickie.

I will clean the loo,

I promise I will aim straight with my Willy,

I’ll make our bed,

I’ll tidy our shed,

I will help more around the house,

Heck, I’ll even iron your blouse.

 

Dad!

If you will let me be,

I will try it.

You will see.

 

Say!

I like great sex with knee pads!

I do! I like it, Dad-I-am!

And I will do it after you cook our tea!

And I would do it after you do the laundry.

And I will do it after you put to bed our sweet little baby.

And in the Loo. Just a quick quickie.

And in our car. With your Willy.

It is so good so good you see!

 

That Dad-I-am

That Dad-I-am

I love that Dad-I-am

 

So I will have sex in our bed.

And I will have sex in our shed.

And I will have sex in our house.

And I will have sex without my blouse.

And I will have sex here and there.

Say! I will have sex ANYWHERE!

 

I do so like

Great sex with knee pads!

Thank you!

Thank you,

Dad-I-am

 

That Dad I am!

That DAD I AM!

I have just discovered the NEW foreplay to

Great Sex with Knee Pads!


 

Now please close this post, and  gently kiss the woman to remind her that she is your “everything” too.

*Inspired by Dr Seuss*

 

 

When The Mulk tries to be funny, I become Agent Spitback writing life nonsense for my Secret Diary.

Follow me on Silly Brick Road

Tweet me nonsense at @AgentSpitback

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