Once upon a time, in a land far far away, but not that far that you can’t take a plane ride to but far enough from the mediocrity of $300,000 a year salaried middle class, in a rich gated community where the rich intermarried and inbred, there was a seriously misunderstood stepmother, called “GetYourownBloodyshoes”, or Shoo for short, whose original name was “justfetchmyslippersforfricksake.”
Shoo had to be tough and strong as she grew up in the shadow of her perfect younger brother whose father only had time for his only son. She was Daughter #10 Designated “Fetchmyslippersforfricksake”, alongside Daughter #1Getmypaperwoman, Daughter #2Where’smymissingsock, Daughter #3What’sforDinner, Daughter #4Shutthebabyup, Daughter #5Givememybeerwoman, Daughter #6That’snotcoldbeerwoman, Daughter #7Ironmypantsshirtsunderwear, Daughter #8womenstoptalking and then, #9justcleanthetoiletforfrickingsake and lastly her, Daughter #10 “Fetchmyslippersforfricksake”, in a household where the rule was “One Male Appendage good, no Male appendage, too fricking bad”.
She soon grew up into what a patriarchal fairy tale would call “wicked” to scare highly intelligent and educated little girls into staying subservient because women who buck the male chauvinist trend always end up as a “wicked stepmother”, and never the wonderful mummy. But Shoo was just a “strong-willed” woman who was simply brave enough to tell any man that his shit stank and that he should wipe his own butt himself.
Driven by the ghosts of her childhood, the highly intelligent entrepreneurial Shoo created the “Perfect Husband Boot Camp Training” business where husbands were trained to put down the toilet lids repeatedly, cook a dish without once asking “Honey, where’s the sugar/salt/pasta/pots/pans?” and go grocery shopping and GET everything right on the list within 30 minutes.
But most unfortunately, like most worthwhile scientific research, sacrifices for the future good had to be made as her husbands #1, #2 and #3 tragically “passed away” (or ran away) while putting the seat down, making the perfect beef stew and having prolonged foreplay respectively. #3 was the closest thing she had to “The Perfect Husband”. He would buy tampons without flinching, help insert the tampon without retching and even helped disposed of it in an environmentally sustainable fashion. Even after his passing, the fame of her Husband whispering ways became legendary as she became the most celebrated Husband Trainer for the Modern Feminist in the Gated Community.
She had two daughters called “Nomanshit” and “Imakemencry” and a maddenlingly and frustratingly stupid stepdaughter, “Cinderella”, a most unfortunate name, legacy of Husband #3.
She did not even like to call Cinderella “stupid” but she really was. Cinderella was born in the wrong generation where she believed that a real wife should always in servitude of her husband. No matter how much she tried to help Cinderella, Cinderella really believed that her calling in life was to fetch a man his slippers. Honestly, she was so stupid that Shoo started calling her “Cinder-Frecker” because honestly, she killed any feminist fun with her slipper fetching ways.
So Shoo did what you would do with stupid people – she protected her. Shoo had to protect Cinde-Frecker from the world who might take advantage of her excellent cleaning and ironing skills.
So stayed home Cinder-Frecker did and that was all she ever did and Shoo continued to be “misunderstood”.
One day, there was a grand invitation in the gated community to a Grand Ball hosted by the richest man. Rumour had it was the old rich man, the most chauvinistic pig, was looking for a bride for his only son, a boy who had been single for so long that people had discussed, dissected, over shared, became a viral post and even written a thesis on why he had remained single for such a long time.
Hmmmm, Shoo thought, that this son would be the icing on the cake! Imagine if the Son married either of her daughters “Nomanshit” or “Imakemencry”, she would put him through her boot camp and make him the Perfect Trophy Husband she had always been dreaming about.
Shoo calmly explained to Cinder-Frecker that there was no way she could ever let her go to the Ball and be married to the most Chauvinistic family. Shoo really felt that that was her maternal duty to save her from domestic exploitation but of course, she told Cinder-Frecker that she must polish the family’s silver even though they had no silver, only Wedgewood. Cinderella, even though, she was upset, bless her, volunteered to make them their dresses and help straighten their armpit hair.
That night, in a frenzy of excitement, they left for the Ball and left Cinder-Frecker alone at home. Shoo and her two stepdaughters went to the ball and actually had a semi-good time. There was free food and wine and beer, so it was actually not half bad as well. Shoo was stuffing her face with her third Red Velvet cupcake when she noticed the Son dancing for the second, then the third and then the fourth and then all night with this one girl whom no one could recognize, in the same way Lois Lane could never recognize Clark Kent.
Hmmmpppfff, this wasn’t really going to plan as “Nomanshit” and “Imakemencry” were tweeting her all night and blaming her for dragging them to a boring party when there was actually a game going on.
But just before the clock struck 12, the girl ran away, leaving behind a very specially crafted one of a kind, never seen before Loubotin high heel shoe and a very distraught Son who was cradling it.
Shoo yawned and told her girls that they were going home and the girls cheered because they could watch the re-runs on ESPN.
The next morning, Shoo awoke to a Facebook Post, put up by the Son. He was holding a signboard and the shoe and it said, “Please help me FIND the other pair of this shoe!” which had been LIKED 235,000 times and shared 34, 659 times already.
The Son then commanded ALL the girls in the gated community to try the shoe. He came soon enough knocking on their door.
But alas, to Shoo’s most bitter disappointment, none of her daughters could wear that shoe.
“Wait…don’t you have another daughter?” He asked.
“What about HER?” The son pointed to Cinder-Frecker who was on her hands and knees scrubbing the floor because she said that was the only way to get the floor really cleaned.
“Oh Cinder-Frecker? Oh no, she’s simple minded and…”
“Everyone in the gated community MUST try.”
So Cinder-Frecker was ushered out and she tried on the shoe and IT fitted perfectly!
“So it’s you?”
Cinder-Frecker nodded shyly and then took the other side of the shoe out and put it on and the Son looked at her with awe.
It was indeed the most perfect pair of shoes!
“I’ve found it!” the son cried, “There will now be a wedding! I must tell my father!”
Shoo and Cinder-Frecker looked at each other with shock and wondered what this all meant and what the future would hold for them all?
It was indeed a beautiful wedding a month later as Shoo and Cinder-Frecker watched the Son finally marry his long time partner, in those beautiful perfect high heel shoes, which he had been looking for for a long long time.
It was during the wedding that Shoo had an epiphany. She laughed at her own naive presumption that what a woman needed was a Perfect Husband but how many of these Perfect Husbands would even want a wife?
She had been looking at it all wrong…it was not about creating the Perfect Husband, it was about the selling of the illusion of being or having the Perfect Husband! Ah, yes, very much like what Personal Training, Weight loss and Gyms sold all the time!
She had goosebumps as she thought of the movies to make, merchandise to sell, husband enhancer products to create and sell, and oh…the list as endless as a Husband’s excuses why he cannot help clean the bathroom!
After the wedding, Shoo went straight to work and created the highest rated television reality competition shows of all time : “Husband’s Got Talent”, “Husband Idol”, “Humongous Husband”, and “MasterHusband” which was now broadcast live to 192 countries, the other remaining four countries already believe that they have the Perfect Men.
As for Cinder-Frecker, she didn’t really mind not getting married after all, now who really falls in love and gets married straightaway after ONE meeting at a party? That is really another patriarchal chauvinist sugar coated euphemisim for permissible one night stands in traditional Fairy Tales.
In the wake of Shoo’s success, Cinder-Frecker and Shoo created a new spectacular reality show called “The Feminist Wants A Shoe” which Cinder-Frecker hosted.
Cinder-Frecker still harboured the feelings of fetching slippers and could not get used to the thought of people now fetching her shoes from all around the world but Shoo and Cinder-Fecker have come to a mutually agreement never to talk about fetching slippers anymore.
Who fetches whose slippers AT HOME is honestly nobody’s bloody business and that should stay at home.
And…Cinderella, though an outdated old fashioned misnomer in Shoo’s feminist world, became accepted and embraced as Cinderella. After all, it was her coy resistance at slippers being fetched was what made her a star in the television industry.
There are times when Cinderella still thinks fondly and misses that FIRST “one of a kind” pair of high heels but then she remembers Shoo’s advice to her, the wise words of a matured Modern Feminist, the line which she uses to close her television show every week.
“Darling, even if the “perfect” shoe fits, it might not really be for you.”
When The Mulk tries to be funny, I become Agent Spitback writing life nonsense for my Secret Diary.
Follow me on Silly Brick Road
Tweet me nonsense at @AgentSpitback
© ELT 2016. All rights reserved