Why Older Mums make the most awesome Mom friends

oldermums

**This is RATED “Don’t Read if you can’t take the swearing BUT it is about what’s the most important SHIT in life”. You know you’re the older mom when you have been at school longer than some of the Mothers have been moms. You catch yourself saying things like, “Back in the day, I used to actually slap the forehead of my baby to see if he had a fever. Never had this fancy schmancy ear thingamajig.” You then recount days of counting fetal kicks, of dropping milk on the underneath of your wrist to check if the bottle was…

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Who Put a 14 year old In Charge of My Children?

girl-retro

I looked at the Mt Everest  pile of never ending washing. One basket, full of dirty clothes, two baskets full of clean clothes waiting to be folded and one that was still going on in the washing machine. I have come to the conclusion that there are three things in life that are certain : death, taxes and washing. There is always washing to be done.  Sometimes you don’t know when one cycle starts and the other ends, everything becomes a blur unto itself, just like your life. When did one load become two? When did one decision become another? When…

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The Impeachment of the Perfect Mother for Book Week Fraud

handcuff

Once a year, in cities all over Australia, parents are forced to step up and participate in a strange but most fearsome Parenting competition ever, called the Book Week Dress Up Parade. In the most grueling parenting competition ever, they are expected to compete against each other with aluminum foil, toilet roll and cardboard to dress their children up as the best recognized Book characters in the annual parade competition. The stakes increase every year and the current expectation is that the whole outfit is to be made from scratch and still be a worthy of a Jenny Beavan design…

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Unknown Virus Turning Mothers into “Football Hooligans”

hospital

Unknown Virus Affecting Mothers : Experts have issued a warning to all Mothers to Think Twice before attending any of their children’s sporting events. The Tele-Gaffe – The International Mother Health Organisation has issued a warning to all Mothers to think twice before attending any of their children’s sporting events due to a growing threat of the unknown virus which is turning normal mothers into behaving like raging potty mouthed “football hooligans”. “Those mothers considering attending baseball games, basketball games, tennis matches, football matches, soccer matches, swimming races, netball games, cricket matches, rugby matches, athletics races, martial arts competitions or…

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The Care of Tweens and Other Magical Creatures

boy walking

Raising a Tween is serious business about magic, specifically the care of magical creatures and all things childhood magic related and you should not be reading just any old parenting how to manual. Take it from someone who has finished raising two and currently raising one, and still sane enough to speak in English. Creating magic and maintaining the facades of magical creatures roaming a parallel universe was easy when they were babies and toddlers because frankly, they will believe anything you say or show them. They see magic in anything and I mean anything, from your wet snotty sneezes,…

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Chap 32 The Breakfast Porridge Apocalypse School Run

porridge

**This is a chapter from series of running chapters of how newly arrived mum Megan tries to survive the most dangerous place of earth – the school playground ** Well, she ‘tries’, with her Overactive imaginative style!   Darn, the sky was already light and I could hear the morning chirpings, which only meant one thing – I was bloody late for the morning school run. The nippy cold wind was not as cold as the panic, which seized me as I realized that I had left Sean, my partner, in charge of the morning school run for the first…

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ADOPT A BLOGGER!

adopt

The Agent was so disappointed that she did not qualify for any of the Tots100 and Britmums Awards even though many lovely people did try to sneak her in, just because she lived in a different time zone. Why is there so much discrimination against GMTs? It is on her cards to organise a petition and march against time zone discrimination. So in order to be eligible for next year, I am placing an ad in the blogger-verse, well in advance for a UK someone to adopt the Agent, in time for next year, please.   “WANTED : ADOPT A…

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Mommy Wants A Date

coffee

I walked into the crowded room, the noise from the tipping of jigsaw puzzles unto the floor was absolutely deafening. There was hardly a clean spot on the mat with the hot sweaty mess of writhing and wriggling bodies and the looks of resignation from the older people who had to contort themselves “sitting” on the floor, trying to match random smallish jigsaw pieces which just did not want to co-operate. Bam!  I saw her. She simply drew my breath away. She probably would not look like much to anyone else, another overtired caffeine fuelled Plain Jane Mom but to my strained eyes,…

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World’s FIRST Father To Hear Newborn Cry At Night

father baby

(The Tele-Gaffe) – First time father, 26 year old Alex Green has doctors baffled as he has been confirmed to be the World’s First Father to hear his newborn cry at night. The Green Family knew something was very wrong the first night they brought baby, Vivian home. “We read all the baby books and they all say that Fathers can’t hear their babies cry,” said his wife, 43 year old Drew, “It’s something to do with male organs being smaller or something. So we were all prepared for me to do the waking up!” That night, Drew had put Baby…

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What to buy for Mother’s Day when you’re not allowed at Target?

Happy Mother's Day

It is that time of year again, when adult children make the long journey home or a long distance phone call to pay homage to the most important human person in their lives and try their luck and pray to the God of Mom Logic that this is the year they will solve a question more perplexing than the “Riddle of the Sphinx” – the oldest and trickiest question ever known to Homo Sapiens : What does a mother really want for Mother’s Day from her Adult Children? Especially when you are now too adult to shop at Target? It…

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