World’s FIRST Father To Hear Newborn Cry At Night

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(The Tele-Gaffe) – First time father, 26 year old Alex Green has doctors baffled as he has been confirmed to be the World’s First Father to hear his newborn cry at night. The Green Family knew something was very wrong the first night they brought baby, Vivian home. “We read all the baby books and they all say that Fathers can’t hear their babies cry,” said his wife, 43 year old Drew, “It’s something to do with male organs being smaller or something. So we were all prepared for me to do the waking up!” That night, Drew had put Baby…

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What to buy for Mother’s Day when you’re not allowed at Target?

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It is that time of year again, when adult children make the long journey home or a long distance phone call to pay homage to the most important human person in their lives and try their luck and pray to the God of Mom Logic that this is the year they will solve a question more perplexing than the “Riddle of the Sphinx” – the oldest and trickiest question ever known to Homo Sapiens : What does a mother really want for Mother’s Day from her Adult Children? Especially when you are now too adult to shop at Target? It…

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I Have Chosen Not To Forget

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I will never forget the day I had no choice but to count the number of surfaces my child or I would touch on a given day. It was a day in March 2003 and SARS, a highly contagious coronavirus which causes a severe form of pneumonia had made an appearance in my normal “The Middle” meets “Modern Family”, very much like your kind of life. I took my son to playgroup late and with mismatched socks, nursed my newborn in unimaginable places and awkward positions, had morning coffees with other women who also had no idea who they managed to get…

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My Daughter Wants A Penis!

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When my daughter was four, she had a strong desire to be a boy. She refused to wear dresses, play with “girls”, “girl toys”or “girl games”, and she would even pee standing up. She was convinced that her “penis” would grow out of her vagina and she would one day become a boy. “My daughter wants a penis!” I said to my feminist self angrily, “Just what is so special about having a penis that makes her want one?” I had spent my whole life smashing glass ceilings, achieving awards and advancing in a male dominated field and yet my…

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The 10 Commandments of Surviving Toddler Swimming Lesson Hell

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It is another cold and wet winter day as Mummy and toddler wander aimlessly from aisle to aisle in the supermarket, like they have been doing for the last 40 days. When they become weary and parch, they set up camp at the local Coffee Bean but this day is about to become worse, oh yes, much much worse. And this Mummy knows this. The Barista will smile empathetically at the Mummy as she passes her her usual order of double expresso while the toddler wails at the injustice that he cannot have orange juice AND a babycino. The little…

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