Why YOU need a No BS Mom Friend

womenfriends

You know the friend your husband warned you not to bring home because she drinks all his expensive wines? The friend the P&C is trying to ban from their meetings because she never reads the notices and will donate store bought donuts in defiance at every fundraiser? The one rated PG-13 potty-mouthed straight shooter from the womb, who never minces her words and orders you straight up like a whisky neat. She tells you point blank that she would rather poke her eyes out the than attend another play date, watching kids play Minecraft for the millionth time. The one…

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Mother Takes Legal Action Against “Breast Is Best” Claims as Child Turns Out to be Weird as Any Other Kid

breastisbest

**This is SATIRE** The Tele-Gaffe – 38 year old Cecelia Wards has taken legal action against “ONLY Breast Is Best” Foundation for inflating maternal expectations after breastfeeding her child for almost a year and she found out that he was just as weird as any other kid at the playground. According to the lawsuit, after she had given birth, a member of the Foundation had visited her and had given her a pamphlet entitled “Why ONLY Breast is Best” and then visited her the very next day to invite her to attend a breastfeeding workshop, where she was told she could…

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To The Child Who Will Not Sleep

childsleeping

To the child who will not sleep, In the black stillness of midnight, You are still awake even though I have long turned out the light, I say to you like I do every night, “Please, honey, please try to go to sleep. You don’t need to be an asshole to make Mommy weep!” There was so much bloody whining, and our daily “I am not sleepy” fight, And that stupid bedtime story, 1000 times which you made me read tonight. I hear the tears in my own voice, “Please, honey, just tonight, go the bloody hell to sleep. I…

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Excuse me, But Where’s My Mommy Halo?

angel

To the Person in charge of giving out Mommy Halos, Excuse me, but where’s my Mommy Halo? I am not sure if it was an honest mistake that you missed me out when you were giving out the Mommy Halos? You know the Halo I pre pre ordered when I found out I was pregnant with my first child? Gold plated, self-illuminating, limited edition, monogrammed with pre-paid postage? The one, which would instantly flip my base human desires and make me “good”, almost saintly, in fact. The Halo which would magical turn off my selfish desires, my mother trucking swearing…

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Why Older Moms make the most awesome Mom friends

oldermums

**This is RATED “Don’t Read if you can’t take the swearing BUT it is about what’s the most important SHIT in life”. You know you’re the older mom when you have been at school longer than some of the Mothers have been moms. You catch yourself saying things like, “Back in the day, I used to actually slap the forehead of my baby to see if he had a fever. Never had this fancy schmancy ear thingamajig.” You then recount days of counting fetal kicks, of dropping milk on the underneath of your wrist to check if the bottle was…

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Who Put a 14 year old In Charge of My Children?

girl-retro

I looked at the Mt Everest  pile of never ending washing. One basket, full of dirty clothes, two baskets full of clean clothes waiting to be folded and one that was still going on in the washing machine. I have come to the conclusion that there are three things in life that are certain : death, taxes and washing. There is always washing to be done.  Sometimes you don’t know when one cycle starts and the other ends, everything becomes a blur unto itself, just like your life. When did one load become two? When did one decision become another? When…

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The Impeachment of the Perfect Mother for Book Week Fraud

handcuff

Once a year, in cities all over Australia, parents are forced to step up and participate in a strange but most fearsome Parenting competition ever, called the Book Week Dress Up Parade. In the most grueling parenting competition ever, they are expected to compete against each other with aluminum foil, toilet roll and cardboard to dress their children up as the best recognized Book characters in the annual parade competition. The stakes increase every year and the current expectation is that the whole outfit is to be made from scratch and still be a worthy of a Jenny Beavan design…

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Unknown Virus Turning Mothers into “Football Hooligans”

hospital

Unknown Virus Affecting Mothers : Experts have issued a warning to all Mothers to Think Twice before attending any of their children’s sporting events. The Tele-Gaffe – The International Mother Health Organisation has issued a warning to all Mothers to think twice before attending any of their children’s sporting events due to a growing threat of the unknown virus which is turning normal mothers into behaving like raging potty mouthed “football hooligans”. “Those mothers considering attending baseball games, basketball games, tennis matches, football matches, soccer matches, swimming races, netball games, cricket matches, rugby matches, athletics races, martial arts competitions or…

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The Care of Tweens and Other Magical Creatures

boy walking

Raising a Tween is serious business about magic, specifically the care of magical creatures and all things childhood magic related and you should not be reading just any old parenting how to manual. Take it from someone who has finished raising two and currently raising one, and still sane enough to speak in English. Creating magic and maintaining the facades of magical creatures roaming a parallel universe was easy when they were babies and toddlers because frankly, they will believe anything you say or show them. They see magic in anything and I mean anything, from your wet snotty sneezes,…

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Chap 32 The Breakfast Porridge Apocalypse School Run

porridge

**This is a chapter from series of running chapters of how newly arrived mum Megan tries to survive the most dangerous place of earth – the school playground ** Well, she ‘tries’, with her Overactive imaginative style!   Darn, the sky was already light and I could hear the morning chirpings, which only meant one thing – I was bloody late for the morning school run. The nippy cold wind was not as cold as the panic, which seized me as I realized that I had left Sean, my partner, in charge of the morning school run for the first…

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